"I am a work in progress"

I've had all kinds of ideas for posts swirling through my head. A few I want to address soon: exercise obsession, fitness as a focus while unemployed, motivation for working out.

Up today: body image. Before anything else, I want to say my daughters are the best thing to happen to me (except for maybe Steve, who was necessary to have my daughters). But being pregnant was easily the worst thing to happen to my body. I gained a lot of weight and was bigger than ever. Even worse, I was odd shaped. Since I am somewhat vain and want to look good, my self-esteem took a big hit with each pregnancy.

My daughters are definitely worth it. But I worried about the example I'd set for them. Moping about how bad I looked and how bad I felt about myself wouldn't be good for them. Up until I got pregnant with Ella, I was naturally thin. Even as I gained weight, I was proportional and had a pretty good figure. Gaining weight to the point I didn't recognize myself snapped me awake. Either I stayed that size or lost the weight. I want to make something clear right here: being thin does not equal happiness. If you're not happy with you when you're big, you won't be happy once you're thin. Something I learned as I lost weight and got into shape after Mia was that being fit and strong and taking care of yourself improves your body image. The stronger I got, the happier I was with my body and myself. I was proud of what I was accomplishing, and that was because I was getting fit, not because I was getting thin. I was surprised to find I liked strength training. It made me stronger and feel like I could do anything. Because I had to commit to working out to lose the weight, pregnancy was also one of the best things that happened to my body. I was happier and more proud of my body after I got fit following Mia's birth than I have ever been. More important to me than the number on the scale or even the size I wear is being strong and fit and regaining that feeling of accomplishment and pride. I am proud that I have my masters degree and that I finished it with a great GPA while having kids close in age, but in some respects I am even more proud of my weight loss and fitness gains during that time.

Yes, I want to get back to 145 and a size 8. But the thing I'm really craving is that sense of pride and well-being. I have heard from other people that being thin didn't make them happy. I believe it, because it's been true for me too. I remember being 128 in high school and still being self-conscious. I doubt I will weigh that little again, which is fine with me. I don't like my loose skin and stretch marks, but I wouldn't trade them for the lessons I learned along the way. Until I get back down to where I prefer to be, I'll repeat what became my mantra after Mia: "I am a work in progress." I would catch sight of myself in a mirror and immediately begin to berate myself. "Ugh, look at my thighs! And this horrible stomach! I look so gross." This is counter-productive. All it did was depress me. I had a hard time seeing beauty in the loose skin though. So I started cutting off my negative thoughts and saying "I am a work in progress." It served to remind me that this is temporary, as long as I decide it is. It was much more motivating and empowering than telling myself how ugly I felt. I get frustrated over being this big and heavy again. I told myself I wouldn't let myself get this big again. But I got pregnant and I did gain the weight (I'll address my weight gain while pregnant and why in another post). So rather than beat myself up for it, I need to just remind myself this is temporary again and work on changing the parts of my body that I can. I'm starting to see changes and I'm already fitting into clothes I couldn't before. I keep having to remind myself to focus on my progress and not how much farther I have left to go, because again, it's more productive. I'll get there, in time. I am definitely a work in progress, but the progress is the important part. :)