4 years of being a mom

My oldest daughter is 4 today. At the point I gave birth to her, I weighed 216 lbs. I have not weighed that much again, although I got close at the end of my pregnancy with my second daughter (213 that time, 205 with the third). The scale is up a little right now, but I realized that at 161.4, I'm only up .6 lbs from my lowest so far. I think once I take a rest day it'll start going down again. Tomorrow is my rest day this week.

Last week I was sick. First Ella and Mia got sick Wednesday night. Thursday I didn't feel great but I pushed through my workout. Friday was worse and Steve worked from home. He made me take a needed rest day to recover. I needed it but every time I started to feel okay, I'd think "oh, I can work out after all." If he hadn't been home to stop me, I probably would have. That's good, right? That I'm that motivated and self-disciplined? Well, yes and no. It's usually a good thing that I don't let myself take an unscheduled rest day. I stay on track that way. But it's not good when I resist taking a rest day when I'm sick and need it.

I talk about the line between self-disciplined healthy living and disordered eating habits (work out habits too) a lot. I know it's a fine line. I just read in a magazine this week that internal traits of perfectionism, self-discipline, and hyperconsciousness of body image can contribute to the development of an eating disorder. Um, that's me. That's how I managed to take care of my girls, finish my masters on time with a high GPA, and lost 70 lbs all at once. I push myself and I push *hard.* I know I have a screwy body image. Steve knows this and we talk about it. I'm honest with him about things and he keeps me in check, which is why I say he made me take Friday off. He knows I would have pushed myself through it.

There are a lot of reasons I want to be healthy. Some of them are vain and some are for other people. I want to be thin and like what I see in the mirror. I want to be admired. I also want to be around for Steve and the girls, and I don't want the girls to learn twisted eating patterns from me. I recently read a blog post that basically said "forget about you and mom time. Do it for your kids." For that woman, doing it for herself wasn't enough. She needed the motivation of doing it for her kids' benefit. I hated that post. My kids reap the benefits of it and that's a part of my motivation. I'm happier and more patient when I've worked out. If I'm at a healthy weight, I have more energy to play with them and I'm not preoccupied with how fat I think I look. But I need that break from being a mom (well, I frequently have to referee while exercising, but still) to do something for ME. Most of my day is consumed with doing things for my kids. I need to do something that's solely for me. I haven't worn make up in over a week. I rarely blow dry my hair. Half the time I don't usually bother to shower unless I've worked out or we have company coming over. As a mom, I frequently feel like my needs and wants come last. My fitness is the one area where I've really made myself a priority. So yes, my girls benefit from it, but that is for ME.

My body image was a bit messed up before I had kids, but it took a HUGE hit when I became a mom 4 years ago. I was at my heaviest when I got pregnant and then I gained 50 lbs. I didn't recognize myself. I cried a lot. Things were stretched and stretch-marked and sagged and I was miserable in my new body. Some women embrace their new shape and "battle scars." I couldn't. Which is probably why I've spent so much time and energy losing the weight each time. Between Mia and Nora I got down to 143 and held steady around 145 for a good 6-7 months before I got pregnant. To my surprise, I was pretty happy with my body. I still had the loose belly skin and saggy boobs, but I could accept it. I'm getting there again. I want to be happy with my body and I want my girls to learn from me that healthy and toned is the best kind of physical beauty. Confidence and body acceptance, not thinness, is what makes them attractive. Ella and I have come a long ways in the last 4 years. Happy birthday sweet girl.