TurboFire!

To date, my exercise of choice has been Turbo Jam. It's an awesome workout (I burn more calories doing that than anything else) and I actually like doing it. I usually end a workout feeling both wiped and energized, not to mention dripping with sweat. Since I was so woefully out of shape at the end of my pregnancy, every workout for a while was a fight. I had to convince myself to do it and push myself to get through it. I was exhausted and sore by the end. But it started to change my body and I am now to the point that I get a second wind. Awesome! I would like the scale to move more quickly than it has been, but at least I can tell a difference in my fitness level and body. I know how much better I feel after a workout and it's become a habit again, so making myself start the workout is easier too.

But there's a new workout by the same trainer. It has the same great music but is even more intense and produces even better results in less time! It's called TurboFire and I am very impatiently waiting until I can order my copy. (I told DH I wanted it for my birthday. I'm now regretting that since my birthday is almost a month away. I tried to convince DH it would be an even better early birthday present so I could see results by my birthday but it's not in the budget. I will be getting it but we have to set aside some money from a few paychecks first. Boo on waiting. Patience is just not my strong suit.) I can't wait to get it and do it and see changes! Bring on the fire!

"I am a work in progress"

I've had all kinds of ideas for posts swirling through my head. A few I want to address soon: exercise obsession, fitness as a focus while unemployed, motivation for working out.

Up today: body image. Before anything else, I want to say my daughters are the best thing to happen to me (except for maybe Steve, who was necessary to have my daughters). But being pregnant was easily the worst thing to happen to my body. I gained a lot of weight and was bigger than ever. Even worse, I was odd shaped. Since I am somewhat vain and want to look good, my self-esteem took a big hit with each pregnancy.

My daughters are definitely worth it. But I worried about the example I'd set for them. Moping about how bad I looked and how bad I felt about myself wouldn't be good for them. Up until I got pregnant with Ella, I was naturally thin. Even as I gained weight, I was proportional and had a pretty good figure. Gaining weight to the point I didn't recognize myself snapped me awake. Either I stayed that size or lost the weight. I want to make something clear right here: being thin does not equal happiness. If you're not happy with you when you're big, you won't be happy once you're thin. Something I learned as I lost weight and got into shape after Mia was that being fit and strong and taking care of yourself improves your body image. The stronger I got, the happier I was with my body and myself. I was proud of what I was accomplishing, and that was because I was getting fit, not because I was getting thin. I was surprised to find I liked strength training. It made me stronger and feel like I could do anything. Because I had to commit to working out to lose the weight, pregnancy was also one of the best things that happened to my body. I was happier and more proud of my body after I got fit following Mia's birth than I have ever been. More important to me than the number on the scale or even the size I wear is being strong and fit and regaining that feeling of accomplishment and pride. I am proud that I have my masters degree and that I finished it with a great GPA while having kids close in age, but in some respects I am even more proud of my weight loss and fitness gains during that time.

Yes, I want to get back to 145 and a size 8. But the thing I'm really craving is that sense of pride and well-being. I have heard from other people that being thin didn't make them happy. I believe it, because it's been true for me too. I remember being 128 in high school and still being self-conscious. I doubt I will weigh that little again, which is fine with me. I don't like my loose skin and stretch marks, but I wouldn't trade them for the lessons I learned along the way. Until I get back down to where I prefer to be, I'll repeat what became my mantra after Mia: "I am a work in progress." I would catch sight of myself in a mirror and immediately begin to berate myself. "Ugh, look at my thighs! And this horrible stomach! I look so gross." This is counter-productive. All it did was depress me. I had a hard time seeing beauty in the loose skin though. So I started cutting off my negative thoughts and saying "I am a work in progress." It served to remind me that this is temporary, as long as I decide it is. It was much more motivating and empowering than telling myself how ugly I felt. I get frustrated over being this big and heavy again. I told myself I wouldn't let myself get this big again. But I got pregnant and I did gain the weight (I'll address my weight gain while pregnant and why in another post). So rather than beat myself up for it, I need to just remind myself this is temporary again and work on changing the parts of my body that I can. I'm starting to see changes and I'm already fitting into clothes I couldn't before. I keep having to remind myself to focus on my progress and not how much farther I have left to go, because again, it's more productive. I'll get there, in time. I am definitely a work in progress, but the progress is the important part. :)

Frustrated

I am frustrated. I know I'm losing inches and toning up, but when is the scale going to reflect my hard work? Maybe I need to cut back to only weighing once a week...Steve would appreciate that...

Harder the second time?

Losing weight after Mia wasn't easy, but it was simple. It's part of the reason I like calorie counting. Once I figured out my calorie range, it was pretty simple math. Track the calories coming in, exercise to burn calories. If there's a deficit from the amount you need to maintain your currnet weight, you lose weight. Drink plenty of water to help flush out extra sodium, which helps avoid big fluctuations from water weight. That's it. I did that last time and the weight came off steadily, usually about 2 lbs a week. It was simple, which made actually doing it easier. I knew if I followed the formula, the weight would come off.

This time it's been a bit more difficult. Part of the issue is figuring out the correct calorie range. At first I think I had it too low, which freaked out my body and caused it to hold on to all the calories I ate. So I increased my calories. But then I also increased my exercise, making my calories too low again. So I increased them again. About the same time I think my hormones leveled out (the evidence: my cycle started, my hair is falling out, my skin cleared up), which helped. Suddenly the scale is moving down (yay!). I'm not sure if it's slower this time or if I'm more impatient because I know how good I can look and feel and I realize how far I have left to get there. After Amelia, every lb lost was a victory, especially once I got below 166 (my pre-pregnancy weight with Ella). Every inch lost was better than I had looked since before I got pregnant with Ella. In other words, I started looking better than I had hoped was possible after kids. This time I know how good I can look and I'm frustrated with how long it takes to get there.

I also have to say that I'm scared the third time was too much for my body. What if it doesn't snap back as well this time? What if that extra half inch my belly stretched was it's breaking point and now my stomach will always be saggy? Really, other than eating healthy and exercising, there's not a lot I can do short of surgery. Guess I shouldn't worry about it, huh? But I do have this fear that even how I looked last summer is out of reach now. Hopefully this is an irrational belief. But man, pregnancy wreaks havoc on my body and messes with my body image even worse. At least I know being fit and strong helps my body image and my body. :) This post has been a good reminder for me to focus on the fitness and health aspects, including mental health, rather than being thin. See? This blog has been helpful to me already. Hope I can help someone else too!

Background

First things first. The last few years of my life have been very busy. I've been married less than five years. In that time, I began and finished my masters degree, had three daughters (and no, no twins in there), gained and lost a lot of weight (luckily the only gains were while pregnant), bought a house and a minivan, and a whole lot of smaller things. It's been crazy. My other blog is about life with three tiny daughters. Since I'm back to losing baby weight, I decided it was time to start a separate blog about that so it doesn't take over my other blog.

The title is self-explanatory. I have had three kids and had to lose the baby weight three times. This time around my baby is 10.5 weeks old and I'm only a few lbs into the loss (about 23 lbs down from the high of this pregnancy). I'm trying to be kind to myself and remember the 9 months on, 9 months off rule. My goal is to reach 145 (or maybe lower, we'll see) by January 9, 2011, when Nora is 9 months old.

So here's the story: I weighed 128-132 in high school. Good weight for my body type. Throughout college, I gained a little bit and weighed around 140, I think. Since I gained it evenly, I was pretty happy with my body then. After college, I got a desk job and ate a lot of fast food. By the time I got married 6 months later, I think I was just over 150. Since that was my highest weight ever, I was a bit depressed. I worked out a bit but didn't change my eating. By the time I had my BFP (big fat positive, as in pregnancy test) a few short months later, I weighed 166. I was not happy about that but knew I couldn't diet while pregnant. So I ate and didn't work out. I gained 50 lbs, ending at 216. I didn't recognize myself and it's painful to look at the pictures when I was that large. Luckily I dropped 23 lbs in the first few weeks postpartum, placing my weight at 193. I was happy to be below 200. I started working out at 2 weeks PP and really stepped it up in January (Ella would have been about 6 weeks old then). I started doing Turbo Jam (my favorite workout ever) and doing Herbalife. By June I reached 168 and plateaued. My weight settled at 170. Honestly, other than a few meal replacement shakes, I hadn't changed my eating habits at all, which is why my weight loss stalled.

Then in July, when Ella was 8 months old, I got pregnant again. Not on purpose. I was 170 at the beginning and gained much slower that time. But I gained quickly at the end again, bringing my total to 43 lbs gained and my end weight to 213. Again I dropped 23 lbs in the first few weeks PP, bringing my weight to 190. I worked out sporadically and didn't change my eating. As a result, I stayed at 190 until Amelia was about 4 months old. Then I saw a picture of myself and I got my new drivers license about the same time. I was horrified. I decided it was time to commit to my weight loss. I did some research and started counting calories. I started doing Turbo Jam a few days a week and built up to five. The weight started coming off steadily, about 2 lbs a week. I was thrilled! By January, I was about 150 and reached 145 by the end of the month. I started doing weight training that month and lost inches and toned up. I didn't lose much more weight (143 was my lowest) but I loved how I looked. My stomach still had some saggy skin and my thighs weren't tiny but I was cool with that. In all honesty, I looked better and was happier with my body than I had thought was possible. A huge part of it was how strong I felt. I enjoyed my workouts and maintained my loss for about 7 months. And then...

Once again in July, I got pregnant. I was 145 at that point and Mia was 15 months old. I wasn't real happy (once again, it wasn't planned) but I had big plans to stay active and control my gain. Then I got morning sickness and it all fell apart. Eating carbs kept the nausea at bay but made me gain weight like crazy. And TJ made my heart rate jump too high to keep doing it safely while pregnant. (Interestingly enough, my higher HR and increased calorie burn during WOs is what prompted me to test, to prove I wasn't pregnant. Joke was on me.) All the women in my family gain 40+ lbs with each pregnancy. I am no exception and seem to take it to new highs. This pregnancy I gained 60 (!!!!) lbs, meaning I ended at 205. Unfortunately, my body didn't drop the 23 lbs I was hoping for either. Instead, my body halted at 190, a mere 15 lb loss. I started working out and counting calories at 3 weeks PP, since my sister was getting married 9 weeks after Nora was born and the other bridesmaids were sizes 2, 4, and 6. My dress was a 16. The mental aspect is a funny thing. First my calories were too low, so I had to increase them. Then I increased my WOs and had to increase my calories again. And I barely lost anything. I did tone up a bit but only managed to lose about 5 lbs and my weight kept jumping back up to the high 180's. After the wedding, I let go of my unrealistic expectations and decided 9 mos on, 9 mos off. And I've lost another few lbs, staying below 185 now. (Of course, my cycle has returned, so maybe my hormones leveling out had an effect too.) I bought a green purse as my reward for reaching 180. I'm hoping I'll get to open it by the end of this week. I'm currently at 182.8.

So recap:
Highest weight ever and BFP at 166
Gained 50 lbs.
Lost 48 lbs.
Regained 45 lbs (43 of which was pregnancy weight).
Lost 70 lbs for a new low of 143.
Regained 62 (60 was pregnancy weight).
Lost 22 so far, with plans to lose the remaining 40.
Which means in the past 4 years, I have gained 157 lbs and lost 140. My poor body! Thank God my child-bearing years are over!

Now to continue on the journey...