I hate cameras

Sometimes I start to feel good about myself and how I look. And then I see a picture and cringe. Welcome to my Sunday.

The bounce-back

After 5 consecutive days of the scale staying the same or moving down each day, I knew it was coming. This morning, it did. I was back up a pound. The bounce-back.

It's quite possible I made up that word. Or someone else did and I stole it. But it's when suddenly the scale bounces back up instead of staying the same or moving down. A lot of times it comes the same week as your period, after eating salty food, or just overeating. We did have Wendy's for lunch yesterday, but I thought I'd miss the salt-induced water retention by sticking to a plain baked potato and a large chili. I didn't even have a diet pop. I stayed on track all weekend and did all my workouts. Maybe chili has more salt in it than I thought.

Days like this it's easy to get discouraged. Why isn't the scale cooperating? But a little reasoning and it's all okay again. Weight fluctuations are normal. It's most likely water weight and will disappear in a day or two. Overall, the scale is moving down. After taking 4 months to lose 10 lbs, I've lost 12 lbs in the last 2 months. That's great and one day of the scale bouncing back is okay. I even expected this. So I'll stay on track today, drink my water, do my workout, and see what the scale says tomorrow. Odds are, it will be back down. I am doing all I can to control my weight and it's paying off. I can't control normal fluctuations and that's okay. It only becomes a problem if I let it throw me off-track and it turns into a gain rather than bounce-back.

So I'll finish my coffee (seriously, I'm addicted to that and cardio) and my healthy lunch and then work out. Fire 60 today, which is quickly becoming a favorite. There are two finales at the end and I LOVE the second one. The combination of the moves and the music gets me pumped back up and I end that long cardio session feeling more energized than I was at the beginning. It's amazing and addicting. Find a work out you love and stick with it! It helps you avoid the bounce-back. ;)

Whoa! I'm thin!

I'm beginning to feel thin. Like my curves are smoother now, I'm more solid than squishy, I have some visible muscle definition. Normally Steve is telling me for several months that I'm thin before I finally feel that way and see myself that way. And sometimes, even after I start to feel thin, it's a while before I see my reflection or a picture and think I look thin. Unless you've had body image issues, you probably don't have a clue what I mean. But for a lot of us, the size we feel like we are on the inside doesn't match the outside, especially if we've recently lost a lot of weight.

But this morning the scale said 168.2. It's been moving steadily downward, which is all the motivation I need to resist unnecessary food and keep working out. And then I stood in front of the mirror and I was shocked. I looked thin! It caught me off-guard. It was the same way for a long time when I lost weight two years ago. I'd pass a mirror in a store and be surprised how thin I looked. There is definitely a distortion between whether or not I look good and whether or not I feel like I look good.

I know I'm really hard on myself. Sometimes that discipline is good. That's how I've managed to lose so much weight after each pregnancy without having someone else keeping me on track. I like support, but I'm not the type of person who requires a work out buddy pushing me to exercise or take the cookies away from me. All my motivation comes from me. I want to be thin, healthy, look good, feel like I look good, be more confident, have muscles. I know what it takes to get there, so I do it. No whining (usually), no excuses. I only stay this size if I don't do what it takes to change it. I am in control.

But I also know myself well enough to know that my discipline can reach an unhealthy level. Back in high school, I was pretty thin. I remember spending the summer before senior year going out for a run and coming back to do tae bo. Every day, in 80 degree weather. I was a stick and weighed 128. It wasn't a bad weight for my height and build, but I didn't eat very healthy and probably didn't eat enough. That fall, in one horrible weekend, I had my wisdom teeth pulled, had a bad reaction to both the anesthesia and pain meds, and my boyfriend of 18 months dumped me. Between not being able to keep food down at the beginning of the weekend and not having an appetite at the end of the weekend, I dropped 5 lbs (water weight, I'm sure). I was ecstatic. Twisted, huh? Of course, once I could stomach food again, I started to regain that 5 lbs. I freaked. I started taking laxatives at night after everyone else was in bed. To this day, I'm not sure my parents know about that. Every night I hesitated before swallowing them, knowing I was standing on the edge of a slippery slope to an eating disorder. The whole thing didn't last long and I stopped taking them. I'm not sure if I consciously decided I needed to stop or if we ran out of laxatives. On occasion in college, I would take laxatives if I felt fat. I even did it once or twice after I had Ella. I told Steve. I don't remember him being disappointed in me, just concerned.

So when I started counting calories after I had Amelia and working out regularly, we talked. He knows he needs to keep an eye on me and make sure I'm staying healthy. I know I need to be honest with him about how I'm feeling about my body. I know the lowest my calorie should go is 1200 to 1500. I try to keep on myself to continue working out while not being militant about it. I know I'm stronger emotionally now than I was in high school and I know I have Steve's support. And I have a deep concern that if I don't keep myself healthy, which includes not getting too thin or obsessive, I might pass that on to my daughters. More than anything, I want them to be more confident than I was. I think the best way to do that is to take good care of myself, do things in moderation, and model the confidence I want them to have.

My goal is 145 lbs. This is at the upper end of my healthy BMI range. I'm sure I've talked before about how I think BMI is inaccurate. But at that weight last summer, I was a size 8, the thinnest I've been since high school. I had good muscle tone. I was actually happy with my body. It was easy to maintain my weight there. But the biggest reason? I know myself. And I was scared that if I set my goal too low and I had trouble getting there or maintaining there, it would become an obsession again. I am pretty strict most of the time about staying in my calorie range, but I know that is necessary to keep the weight coming off. Once I'm at a happy weight, I want it to liveable and in moderation. I don't want to count calories the rest of my life. I don't want the rest of my life to be a struggle with the scale. I want to be able to eat healthy 99% of the time and splurge occasionally. I want to work out regularly and not freak out that I might gain weight if I take a day off. I'm not sure it'd be realistic to try to weigh 128 again. I might see that number again, but I doubt I could maintain it. After 10 years and 3 kids, I have extra skin and things are wider than they used to be. I have a lot more muscle than I did then. At 145 last summer, I was about the same size as I was at 17 and 128 lbs. I'm good with that. And I was more concerned with staying in shape and gaining muscle definition than the number on the scale. And that's a good place to be. More than anything, I want to be healthy, strong, and look and feel good. I know I do at 145. So that's my goal again.

I'm feeling fit and strong again. My confidence is growing. TurboFire is melting the fat off my body and the pounds are dropping away. At this rate, I may be thinner at 145 than I was last summer. That'd be okay with me, but that's not my goal. But the goal is to be fit. TF makes me feel powerful and like I'm an athlete. Chalene says to train like an athlete. I am. But what am I training for? At the risk of sounding hokey, I'm training for LIFE. I can live a fuller, happier, longer life if I'm fit. Fit is awesome. Thin is the side effect.

160's!

Monday night I got home from work and the last thing I wanted to do was a 60 minute WO. But I sucked it up and did it, knowing I wouldn't regret it. And I didn't. I LOVED it. I felt so much better and had so much more energy. Fire 60 is long but I really like it.

Best part? The scale rewarded me with 169.8 the next morning! And this morning it was 168.8! Awesome!

I also got a lot of compliments from coworkers the days I worked this week. It's so nice when people notice! :)

12 weeks done!

I have finished the 12 weeks of the basic (if it can be called that) TurboFire set. Today begins the 8 weeks of advanced TF. Today is Fire 60 and Abs 10 - eek!

But for the first 12 weeks, I lost 13.2 lbs and 12.75 inches. That's about two sizes. Hoping to continue seeing awesome results for the next 8 weeks! (And beyond that, since I'll probably still have a bit left until goal and will still be working out regardless.)