4 years of being a mom

My oldest daughter is 4 today. At the point I gave birth to her, I weighed 216 lbs. I have not weighed that much again, although I got close at the end of my pregnancy with my second daughter (213 that time, 205 with the third). The scale is up a little right now, but I realized that at 161.4, I'm only up .6 lbs from my lowest so far. I think once I take a rest day it'll start going down again. Tomorrow is my rest day this week.

Last week I was sick. First Ella and Mia got sick Wednesday night. Thursday I didn't feel great but I pushed through my workout. Friday was worse and Steve worked from home. He made me take a needed rest day to recover. I needed it but every time I started to feel okay, I'd think "oh, I can work out after all." If he hadn't been home to stop me, I probably would have. That's good, right? That I'm that motivated and self-disciplined? Well, yes and no. It's usually a good thing that I don't let myself take an unscheduled rest day. I stay on track that way. But it's not good when I resist taking a rest day when I'm sick and need it.

I talk about the line between self-disciplined healthy living and disordered eating habits (work out habits too) a lot. I know it's a fine line. I just read in a magazine this week that internal traits of perfectionism, self-discipline, and hyperconsciousness of body image can contribute to the development of an eating disorder. Um, that's me. That's how I managed to take care of my girls, finish my masters on time with a high GPA, and lost 70 lbs all at once. I push myself and I push *hard.* I know I have a screwy body image. Steve knows this and we talk about it. I'm honest with him about things and he keeps me in check, which is why I say he made me take Friday off. He knows I would have pushed myself through it.

There are a lot of reasons I want to be healthy. Some of them are vain and some are for other people. I want to be thin and like what I see in the mirror. I want to be admired. I also want to be around for Steve and the girls, and I don't want the girls to learn twisted eating patterns from me. I recently read a blog post that basically said "forget about you and mom time. Do it for your kids." For that woman, doing it for herself wasn't enough. She needed the motivation of doing it for her kids' benefit. I hated that post. My kids reap the benefits of it and that's a part of my motivation. I'm happier and more patient when I've worked out. If I'm at a healthy weight, I have more energy to play with them and I'm not preoccupied with how fat I think I look. But I need that break from being a mom (well, I frequently have to referee while exercising, but still) to do something for ME. Most of my day is consumed with doing things for my kids. I need to do something that's solely for me. I haven't worn make up in over a week. I rarely blow dry my hair. Half the time I don't usually bother to shower unless I've worked out or we have company coming over. As a mom, I frequently feel like my needs and wants come last. My fitness is the one area where I've really made myself a priority. So yes, my girls benefit from it, but that is for ME.

My body image was a bit messed up before I had kids, but it took a HUGE hit when I became a mom 4 years ago. I was at my heaviest when I got pregnant and then I gained 50 lbs. I didn't recognize myself. I cried a lot. Things were stretched and stretch-marked and sagged and I was miserable in my new body. Some women embrace their new shape and "battle scars." I couldn't. Which is probably why I've spent so much time and energy losing the weight each time. Between Mia and Nora I got down to 143 and held steady around 145 for a good 6-7 months before I got pregnant. To my surprise, I was pretty happy with my body. I still had the loose belly skin and saggy boobs, but I could accept it. I'm getting there again. I want to be happy with my body and I want my girls to learn from me that healthy and toned is the best kind of physical beauty. Confidence and body acceptance, not thinness, is what makes them attractive. Ella and I have come a long ways in the last 4 years. Happy birthday sweet girl.

Water retention and picking a healthy LTG

Ugh. The scale was so great and was down to 162.6. Awesome, I thought. I can make it to the 150's in the next week or so. Uh, nope. My stupid period started. It's been all jacked up since Nora was born. And I definitely retain water around my period now. So it showed up and the scale went back up to 165. Three days later and it's down to 163.8. Okay, period, you came and proved I'm not pregnant (thankfully, my fear that I'm somehow pregnant has gone down a bit each month). You can leave now.

But I've stayed on track. The scale *should* cooperate and go back down in the next few days, and I'm hoping to see a new low by weigh-in on Monday. I'm still hoping to see a number below 150 by January 9 (that's when Nora turns 9 mos. You know, 9 mos on, 9 mos off?). We shall see. I'm trying not to get too hung up on the exact dates, because either way, the weight will come off. I'm too stubborn to let it stay.

I think I've touched on this before, but I'm very stubborn and very hard on myself. That can be good (finishing my masters degree on time while having two kids 17 mos apart? No problem!) but it can be bad too. I keep comparing my weight loss this time to last time. The timeline is about the same. But I'm not. For one, I have three kids now. I'm two years older. I have different stressors this time. I'm even doing a different workout this time. I know it's not fair to compare myself to someone else. Comparing the current me to the two-years-ago me is comparing two different people too. Whether it takes more or less time to lose the weight this time isn't important. The fact that I'm losing it is.

And a happy surprise! The weather is getting really cold. I pulled out my winter coats, knowing they'd probably still be too small. I tried on my Columbia coat. It fit! Even over a hoodie! Awesome! A few days later, I pulled out an unforgiving leather coat. It fits too! And so does my dress coat! I had hoped they would fit by January but didn't think they'd fit me this soon. I love happy surprises. :) OH, and a pair of jeans I had to buy a few weeks ago because the only jeans that fit had a growing hole in the crotch? They're too big! :D I also got a few compliments about my smaller size. Two separate people noticed I'm getting more of an hourglass shape again. I didn't have that when I lost the weight after Mia. Another person told me I'm looking thin and I better not lose too much more or I'll disappear. That's a beautiful thing to hear, especially when you know you're still technically 20 lbs overweight (seriously, BMI doesn't fit my family). That also tells me that 145 is a good goal. I don't want to lose too much and look sickly.

I post on an awesome weight loss board. A lot of the women there picked their LTG based on the midway point of the healthy range for BMI. For me, that would be 126. Eek! I weighed that for about 2 seconds in high school, when I was dehydrated, had very little muscle, and hadn't been able to keep food down for 3 days. I'm almost 40 lbs more than that right now and already getting the "don't disappear" comments. For a lot of people, that midway point would be healthy and a good goal. Not for me. I'd have to lose almost all my body fat and a bit of muscle to get that low. Even if I made it that low, I don't think I could ever maintain it, but I think I'd drive myself insane trying. I know myself well enough to know that won't work for my body type and it'd be an eating disorder waiting to happen. If I see a lower number, I want to keep seeing that number, or a lower one. I want to be able to maintain a healthy weight, not see a very low number and spend the rest of my life preoccupied with seeing that number again.

Part of picking a healthy goal is knowing yourself. Knowing your body type and knowing your mental limits. I'm strong mentally, but I also know I'm a perfectionist and that can turn into a bad obsession. Right now, it's driving me NUTS that I'm higher than 162.6. I have to keep reminding myself that weight fluctuations are normal and expected, especially during my period. But I still obsess about it and pray the scale will be back down or even lower tomorrow. Which is why my LTG is 145, not 126. I know I can reach 145 and maintain there. I might be able to reach 126, but I'm not willing to risk it.

Day 117 and 162.6

That's right, day 117. Only 23 more days until I've completed the full 20 weeks of TurboFire. I seem to be shrinking. :) I'm firmly in a 13 right now. Since I started out in an 18, I'm happy with that. Progress is progress. I'm pretty firm now. And no wonder! HIIT workouts and strength training and tons of cardio. I have muscles! I feel like if I do another round or two of TF, there will be no jiggle left.

The scale has been moving steadily downward again since I started this month of HIIT workouts. It's like the fat is melting off my body. It's nuts and so awesome. I'm down to 162.6. At this rate, I could make my long term goal by Nora's 9 month birthday after all. I have 9 weeks and 17.6 lbs to go. Considering I've lost 3 lbs in the last week, that's totally doable. It's been pretty easy to stay on track lately since I've consistently seen good results. I have some Halloween candy that I've been rationing out. I went to a Halloween party and tried to make smart decisions about food while indulging a bit. It worked. I was up a bit the next day, but back down the next. That's how I did it two years ago after Mia too. Stay on track during the week, keep working out, drink tons of water. At parties, load up on fruits and veggies and have small amounts of your favorite treats. It's worked like a charm for me. I went into the holidays planning on maintaining but managed to lose a little. The plan is the same this year and given the current trend, I think it should work again. I can totally stay on track. I got this. :)

I hate cameras

Sometimes I start to feel good about myself and how I look. And then I see a picture and cringe. Welcome to my Sunday.

The bounce-back

After 5 consecutive days of the scale staying the same or moving down each day, I knew it was coming. This morning, it did. I was back up a pound. The bounce-back.

It's quite possible I made up that word. Or someone else did and I stole it. But it's when suddenly the scale bounces back up instead of staying the same or moving down. A lot of times it comes the same week as your period, after eating salty food, or just overeating. We did have Wendy's for lunch yesterday, but I thought I'd miss the salt-induced water retention by sticking to a plain baked potato and a large chili. I didn't even have a diet pop. I stayed on track all weekend and did all my workouts. Maybe chili has more salt in it than I thought.

Days like this it's easy to get discouraged. Why isn't the scale cooperating? But a little reasoning and it's all okay again. Weight fluctuations are normal. It's most likely water weight and will disappear in a day or two. Overall, the scale is moving down. After taking 4 months to lose 10 lbs, I've lost 12 lbs in the last 2 months. That's great and one day of the scale bouncing back is okay. I even expected this. So I'll stay on track today, drink my water, do my workout, and see what the scale says tomorrow. Odds are, it will be back down. I am doing all I can to control my weight and it's paying off. I can't control normal fluctuations and that's okay. It only becomes a problem if I let it throw me off-track and it turns into a gain rather than bounce-back.

So I'll finish my coffee (seriously, I'm addicted to that and cardio) and my healthy lunch and then work out. Fire 60 today, which is quickly becoming a favorite. There are two finales at the end and I LOVE the second one. The combination of the moves and the music gets me pumped back up and I end that long cardio session feeling more energized than I was at the beginning. It's amazing and addicting. Find a work out you love and stick with it! It helps you avoid the bounce-back. ;)

Whoa! I'm thin!

I'm beginning to feel thin. Like my curves are smoother now, I'm more solid than squishy, I have some visible muscle definition. Normally Steve is telling me for several months that I'm thin before I finally feel that way and see myself that way. And sometimes, even after I start to feel thin, it's a while before I see my reflection or a picture and think I look thin. Unless you've had body image issues, you probably don't have a clue what I mean. But for a lot of us, the size we feel like we are on the inside doesn't match the outside, especially if we've recently lost a lot of weight.

But this morning the scale said 168.2. It's been moving steadily downward, which is all the motivation I need to resist unnecessary food and keep working out. And then I stood in front of the mirror and I was shocked. I looked thin! It caught me off-guard. It was the same way for a long time when I lost weight two years ago. I'd pass a mirror in a store and be surprised how thin I looked. There is definitely a distortion between whether or not I look good and whether or not I feel like I look good.

I know I'm really hard on myself. Sometimes that discipline is good. That's how I've managed to lose so much weight after each pregnancy without having someone else keeping me on track. I like support, but I'm not the type of person who requires a work out buddy pushing me to exercise or take the cookies away from me. All my motivation comes from me. I want to be thin, healthy, look good, feel like I look good, be more confident, have muscles. I know what it takes to get there, so I do it. No whining (usually), no excuses. I only stay this size if I don't do what it takes to change it. I am in control.

But I also know myself well enough to know that my discipline can reach an unhealthy level. Back in high school, I was pretty thin. I remember spending the summer before senior year going out for a run and coming back to do tae bo. Every day, in 80 degree weather. I was a stick and weighed 128. It wasn't a bad weight for my height and build, but I didn't eat very healthy and probably didn't eat enough. That fall, in one horrible weekend, I had my wisdom teeth pulled, had a bad reaction to both the anesthesia and pain meds, and my boyfriend of 18 months dumped me. Between not being able to keep food down at the beginning of the weekend and not having an appetite at the end of the weekend, I dropped 5 lbs (water weight, I'm sure). I was ecstatic. Twisted, huh? Of course, once I could stomach food again, I started to regain that 5 lbs. I freaked. I started taking laxatives at night after everyone else was in bed. To this day, I'm not sure my parents know about that. Every night I hesitated before swallowing them, knowing I was standing on the edge of a slippery slope to an eating disorder. The whole thing didn't last long and I stopped taking them. I'm not sure if I consciously decided I needed to stop or if we ran out of laxatives. On occasion in college, I would take laxatives if I felt fat. I even did it once or twice after I had Ella. I told Steve. I don't remember him being disappointed in me, just concerned.

So when I started counting calories after I had Amelia and working out regularly, we talked. He knows he needs to keep an eye on me and make sure I'm staying healthy. I know I need to be honest with him about how I'm feeling about my body. I know the lowest my calorie should go is 1200 to 1500. I try to keep on myself to continue working out while not being militant about it. I know I'm stronger emotionally now than I was in high school and I know I have Steve's support. And I have a deep concern that if I don't keep myself healthy, which includes not getting too thin or obsessive, I might pass that on to my daughters. More than anything, I want them to be more confident than I was. I think the best way to do that is to take good care of myself, do things in moderation, and model the confidence I want them to have.

My goal is 145 lbs. This is at the upper end of my healthy BMI range. I'm sure I've talked before about how I think BMI is inaccurate. But at that weight last summer, I was a size 8, the thinnest I've been since high school. I had good muscle tone. I was actually happy with my body. It was easy to maintain my weight there. But the biggest reason? I know myself. And I was scared that if I set my goal too low and I had trouble getting there or maintaining there, it would become an obsession again. I am pretty strict most of the time about staying in my calorie range, but I know that is necessary to keep the weight coming off. Once I'm at a happy weight, I want it to liveable and in moderation. I don't want to count calories the rest of my life. I don't want the rest of my life to be a struggle with the scale. I want to be able to eat healthy 99% of the time and splurge occasionally. I want to work out regularly and not freak out that I might gain weight if I take a day off. I'm not sure it'd be realistic to try to weigh 128 again. I might see that number again, but I doubt I could maintain it. After 10 years and 3 kids, I have extra skin and things are wider than they used to be. I have a lot more muscle than I did then. At 145 last summer, I was about the same size as I was at 17 and 128 lbs. I'm good with that. And I was more concerned with staying in shape and gaining muscle definition than the number on the scale. And that's a good place to be. More than anything, I want to be healthy, strong, and look and feel good. I know I do at 145. So that's my goal again.

I'm feeling fit and strong again. My confidence is growing. TurboFire is melting the fat off my body and the pounds are dropping away. At this rate, I may be thinner at 145 than I was last summer. That'd be okay with me, but that's not my goal. But the goal is to be fit. TF makes me feel powerful and like I'm an athlete. Chalene says to train like an athlete. I am. But what am I training for? At the risk of sounding hokey, I'm training for LIFE. I can live a fuller, happier, longer life if I'm fit. Fit is awesome. Thin is the side effect.

160's!

Monday night I got home from work and the last thing I wanted to do was a 60 minute WO. But I sucked it up and did it, knowing I wouldn't regret it. And I didn't. I LOVED it. I felt so much better and had so much more energy. Fire 60 is long but I really like it.

Best part? The scale rewarded me with 169.8 the next morning! And this morning it was 168.8! Awesome!

I also got a lot of compliments from coworkers the days I worked this week. It's so nice when people notice! :)